Ducks in Danger

Our feathered friends haven't been this imperiled since the Beagle Boys hounded Huey, Dewey, and Louie for the Golden Goose. And this time, the villain is your own backyard: storm drains.

Just this week, Officer Eileen Emiddio of a yet-unnamed locale saved a dozen storm drain-downed fuzzballs after being summoned to the scene by the quacking mother. (Curiously, only 11 saved ducklings are pictured.)

Three days earlier, Ogden, Utah firefighters, after extinguishing a burning van, responded to a frantic mother duck nearby and plucked her 11 ducklings from a storm drain. But their jobs weren't done! One just-saved duckling "tumbled down the hill into another storm drain." Unable to reach it, the firefighters "built a little ramp out of the storm drain and the baby duck ambled out on its own." Adorable heroics!

But even more incredible is the story of a Seattle banker, who, in May, two-handedly saved ducking after ducking from a ten-foot dive, collected the last three from a ledge, then led the reunited family down a parade route (no joke) to water:

(The ducks are cute, but I particularly enjoy the embrace at the end between our story's hero and the woman who has clearly fallen in love with him. Soon to be a Lifetime movie, no doubt.)

Not to be outdone, on the same day firefighters pulled four duckings from a storm drain in D.C.

That's an astonishing 39 ducklings pulled from storm drains (and one twice!) in the past two months. And those are just the ones that made the news. Too often, cute ducklings rescued by our public servicemen and women just don't make the news. Actually, that's not true. They always make the news.

Still, in a world that still cuts six-pack plastic rings, I think the least we can do is develop storm drains that don't swallow up baby ducks.

Good to Know

I Can't Decide...

Pictured above is a supporter of Mir Hussein Moussavi, the Iranian presidential candidate who was "defeated" on Friday by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. Mr. Moussavi's supporters, as the image suggests, disagree with the election results. They do agree, however, that when fomenting revolt against extremist Islamic regimes GAP t-shirts are the most comfortable for throwing rocks and burning flags.

I understand that green is the color Mr. Moussavi's supporters have been waving about for the last few months, but if this kid really cared about the world he would be wearing a (red) t-shirt. So, for today at least: green - (red) = yellow.

Angry guy in GAP t-shirt throwing stones in Tehran is cautioned less for his upper-middle class attire, more so for stomping around Tehran throwing stones. Fight the good fight, my friend, but please do be careful when inciting riots.

Shia La Bouaaaa?!

This yellow card is issued with full knowledge that, upon demand, it may be upgraded to red. Seriously, Shia, this is some questionable speaking you've done...

Fox News is reporting that Transformers star Shia La Beouf offered up to Playboy: "the sexiest woman I know is my mother."

Let's be clear about this. The women in Shia's life include Transformer co-star Megan Fox, both images at left, and model Isabel Lucas, at right. Okay. We can move on.

Really, Shia? You mean, like, your mom is such a wonderful woman and the essence of motherhood is really the most beautiful thing you can imagine?

"If I could meet my mother and marry her, I would. I would be with my mother now, if she weren't my mother."

Okay. That doesn't really answer my question. We could still go either way on this. Can you say something that falls decidedly in the Not Weird column?

"I grew up with a bunch of hippies... That was strange for me, and it was really bizarre when my friends were there. You've got your little buds over, and Mom's, like, playing naked connect the dots or whatever."

Um. Okay. I think we're done here.

Shia La Beouf cautioned per section B-1 for sharing way more than meets the eye.

Egg + Croissant = Confusion

As if being stuck overnight in the Miami airport wasn't bad enough, the next morning I came across this place. The breakfast line offered your basic breakfast options, including croissants, fried eggs, and pre-assembled sandwiches offering some combination of the previous two items plus meat.

Me: Can I get just an egg sandwich?

Woman looks at pre-assembled sandwiches and says: No.

I ask again: Can I get that plain croissant and that fried egg as a sandwich.

Woman actually picks up a croissant and looks at eggs, then me: No.

I'm sure at this point my eyes were bulging: I'm sorry, I can't have that egg put on that croissant?

Woman just stares.

At this point, I'm fairly certain I swore, probably under my breath, not directly at the woman, and walked over to a nearby Nathan's Famous Hot Dogs, where the staff was more than willing to assemble an egg and cheese sandwich for me. I'm still uncertain as to whether the woman was a) institutionally numb or b) genuinely stupid. If it's the latter, I'm unconcerned. If it's the former, then it's a yellow card.

Cheetz!

If your gas station is more than two miles from the Wilkes-Barre exit you posted you sign next to, then maybe you shouldn't tell me your gas station exists off that exit. It doesn't. It's two miles away. That's wasting my time, and that's yellow for you.

A Stor Is Gathering

Blogging will now resume after previously scheduled interruptions.

I happened to catch the following advertisement posted in the right-hand column while reading the Goal blog at NYTimes. I cannot stress how real this ad actually was. While perhaps poignantly melancholy, its copy appeared blatantly incomplete:

Yup, your storm is coming. And it kinda makes me want to start my own organization to defend the rights of traditional spelling and/or basic competence for life.

What would Jesus do? He probably would have spelled "marriage" correctly.

How are you supposed to advocate for something you can't even spell?

There's no "e" in "marriag," but there is one in "spellcheck." Two, actually.

But seriously--I'm sure you're organization is well organize and full of smar people.

Lastly, you might consider not featuring on your website the picture of a supporter whose dumbstruck expression looks like he accidentally wandered in front of a camera, and whose image was then edited to appear as if he's getting struck by lightening:

Is this guy gay and getting struck by lightening for it? Or, is he just confused by the storm that keeps following him around? While this guy's facial expression is ambiguous, presumably his sexual orientation is not.

And just to clear up any claims I've taken the original ad out of context:


NOM cautioned per section B-7 for being perhaps the worst-presented advocacy group ever.

Fred Glare

Back in December there were even more lights blazing in Fred Flare's so-cute-you'll-puke window, but this is still awfully illuminated, if you ask me. Mother Nature is crying, Fred. Maybe you could "stay cute" and conserve some resources at the same time?

Fred Flare cautioned per Sec. B-6. Yellow doesn't look so cute now, does it, Fred?

Courgars and MILFs and Pictures, Oh My! (But Don't Bother Explaining Your Point.)

I haven't been posting much lately (but Aaron has!), so let's get back up to speed:

Bonnie Fuller Huffington-Posted this, uh, let's call it an "essay" on the appeal of the finely aged female. She invokes a litany including Jennifer Aniston, Cindy Crawford, Demi Moore, et. al., and she supports her argument in favor of oldies-but-hotties with an ample and admirable collection of images. If you scroll down (and you did, to look at all the pictures), you'll even find a quiz. Extra clicking! Ms. Fuller must be right: old is the new hot!

Has your attention been grabbed? Of course it has. Now, read some more filler...

Unfortunately, Ms. Fuller never gets around to explaining or examining why today's sex symbols also happen to have been yesterday's. Are America's youth just not attractive enough? Is Photoshop the new plastic surgery? Perhaps we're living in some crazy post-feminist society where we can only objectify women who existed pre-post-feminism! (Not likely.) Are we just lazy? Bored? Or, have we been duped by Meg Ryan's PR agents? Perhaps the discussion is entirely irrelevant. (Possible.)

Only after she names a few 30-somethings (as if!) does Fuller finally pose a relevant question: "do they honestly have even the depth of deep hotness and complexity as our 40-somethings?" (Um, what in the name of Heidi Klum is "the depth of deep hotness?" Can that actually be measured?)

And with that, before any complexity or intrigue finds its way into the piece, we're off discussing another piece (Sarah Palin) and the irony is complete: a entirely superficial list somehow extolling the virtues of complex beauty.

What won't the Huffington Post talk about next!

Huffington Post and Bonnie Fuller cautioned per Sec. B-2 and 7 for piquing my interest and not my intellect.

"This is 9-1-1, what's your McEmergency?"

Blame it on the recession?

On Tuesday, a Florida woman attempted to order Chicken McNuggets at a Fort Pierce, Florida McDonalds. After handing over her money, she was told the kitchen was exactly six pieces short of her six-piece order. The cashier instead offered the stunned woman, Latreasa Goodman, 27, a McDouble and a small fry. Goodman refused. But when she was told that it is McDonalds policy to not allow refunds, she, as they say, lost her freaking honey mustard sauce and called 9-1-1.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you were not already aware, in Florida, among many other misuses of the number, it is actually a misdemenor "to use [9-1-1] in an effort to avoid any charge for service." Apparently, this happens a lot in Florida.

Latreasa Goodman cautioned per Sec. B-2 for maybe overreacting.

Talk Is Cheap. Refusing to Talk At All Can Be Costly.

Last fall, a man named John McCain canceled an interview with David Letterman. Life on the campaign trail was simply too demanding, he said, and his visit to the Ed Sullivan Theater would just have to wait. A few hours later, McCain was spotted on CBS's own internal camera network prepping for an interview with Katie Couric. It was a mistake McCain came to regret.

For weeks, Letterman laid into the presidential candidate. By the time McCain appeared on the Late Show, the damage had been done.

Did he know that Letterman and Couric both work at the same network?

A week or so ago, a man named Rick Santelli reported for CNBC from the floor of the Chicago Stock Exchange. He decried President Obama's bailout, not for the money it poured into failed banks, but for the handful of actual homeowners who would be helped with their mortgages. Santelli refered to these homeowners as 'losers' and stirred something in the conservative base that hasn't moved since Sarah Palin walked onto a stage in Dayton, Ohio: a populist pulse.

Of course, we all know how Sarah Palin worked out. That pulse quickened, then flatlined as soon as reality set in. Sure enough, Rick Santelli, too, was riding high for a few weeks, and even agreed to show up last night on The Daily Show. Only, in the meantime, the fever pitch broke and the populist revolt was over before it started. Without his masses all hot and bothered, Rick went maverick and canceled on Jon Stewart. Suffice it to say that it was a bad idea, for both Santelli and CNBC:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Rick Santelli cautioned per Sec. B-6 for only stirring the pot in his own kitchen.

Greg Rutter Ruins the Internet

I saw a woman in the 23rd-Ely Avenue station this evening haggling with a guy selling bootleg DVDs. She was informing him that the first DVD she bought from him was really great, but her copy of Hotel For Dogs was really blurry. It was the first time in my life I've sympathized with the guy selling bootleg DVDs.

Back on the internet, somebody named Greg Rutter has come up with a "DEFINITIVE LIST" of internet memes that you should have "ALREADY EXPERIENCED... UNLESS YOU'RE A LOSER OR OLD OR SOMETHING." There are 99 items on this list, which, as you may have guessed from the all-caps intro, is very poorly capitalized. Additionally, it is questionably curated.

Truly, my pixelated friend, it has been too long.

The are the (yawn!) obvious modern nods ("Don't tase me, bro" and "I'm f*!king Matt Damon"), and at least one truly awesome video that really does make the internet a better place (Battle at Kruger). There's a link to Cute Overload and one to Homestar Runner, a link to Fail Blog and another to Will It Blend?. But mostly this is just Greg Rutter's personal YouTube playlist with a few half-baked odes to the internet of years past. Greg Rutter, you didn't even bother to link to original files! All your links are belong to YouTube!

Greg Rutter, if you're going to bring to the internet something you so boldly capitalize as its "DEFINITIVE" collection of "THE 99 THINGS" needed to "EXPERIENCE" it, then you need to step up your game. Literally, there are no games on your list, way too many entirely irrelevant videos, exactly zero LOLcats, and where, in the name of all that is holy and digital, is Hampster Dance?! Where is the bubble wrap?! And unless you've recreated the experience of using Napster a decade ago... well. You haven't even started.

List Fail.

Greg Rutter cautioned per Sec. C-7 for really not even trying.

What's Black and White and Arguably Racist?

I've shown a yellow card to my flu every day for the past three days. No luck as of yet. I'll keep trying. Maybe I need to show it some sterner stuff, like what I'm about to show to The NY Post.

This morning the NYC rag ran an editorial cartoon by Sean Delonas which drew its satirical inspiration from the much-reported story of the Long Island chimpanzee that turned on its owner. Pretty frightening and sensational stuff. It not hard to guess why the Post is mining it for material. But did this one cross the line?

In Delonas' cartoon, the rampaging chimp is shown shot dead, two of NY's Finest and most befuddled standing over it. One quips, "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill." There's the obviously figurative interpretation, which likens President Obama to a chimp, or there's the literal interpretation, which suggests Congressional democrats (remember, GOP rank and file refused to back the bill) have adopted a new logo.

It's not hard to see why the Post might compare Congressional democrats as rabid anythings, being flush with new found power. But the obvious connections to President's Obama's as of yet signature legislation should be impossible to ignore. Was The Post, with the wisdom of a stack of wet newspapers, betting folks would just look past the century of racial implications swirling around Delonas' cartoon, however unintentionally they were put there?

We like to think of drawing as art, a creative outpouring of ideas beyond reproach, but drawing for a political satirist at the New York Post is also work, and not everything one does as work is beyond reproach. I have lots of good ideas and many bad ones in my professional life, and I assure you, just because they are creative, my bad ideas are not worth putting on television or publishing for all to read.

It's arguably impossible for a newspaper editor worth his or her salt to see a drawing of primate accompanied by text evocative of a black man and not know the shit storm likely to follow its publishing. Of course, in Newspaper World, controversy equals sales and web traffic. The Post knew exactly what it was getting. But when Rev. Al Sharpton called the editorial "troubling at best given the historic racist attacks of African-Americans," The Post had the audacity to respond by calling Rev. Sharpton, "a publicity opportunist."

Now, that's the pot calling the kettle black! (No offense to Rev. Sharpton.)

The New York Post is asked to cease and desist with obvious racial innuendo per Sec. C-6.

Evening Yellow | 02.14 - U Again?

Happy Valentine's Day. I debated pulling a red card today, just to keep with holiday aesthetics and whatnot, but that would have been excessive, and I would have just ended up showing myself yellow. That's what we call a card-22.

- In March, Bono and the boys of U2 release their new album, "No Line on the Horizon." They'll promote it with an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman. Actually, five appearances, to be exact, every night from March 2-6. Welcome to Late Night, Jimmy Fallon. U2 cautioned per Sec. B-4.

U2 very much hopes you watch Letterman, though they do seem to prefer champagne to instant coffee. Bummer, Starbucks.

- Starbucks is set to unveil the greatest innovation in coffee since "tall," "grande," and "vente": "soluble" coffee. Personally, I favor getting delicious dark-roasted beans ground up and siphoned into my system as fast as humanly possible, but Starbucks' assault on the English language is disturbing. We all know "soluble" is just a nicer word for "instant," like "tall" is trying to not be "small," though "vente" is actually a very concise summary of "you're paying $5 for coffee, you moron." Starbucks cautioned per Sec. B-7 for too much time spent on marketing and not nearly enough making "coffee."

What Would $789B in Pennies Look Like?

The government is about to put an awful lot of money into "economic growth." I hope they've invested in the yellow card market.

Congress for weeks had threatened to ask for separate checks at Washington's bipartisan buffet, then agreed yesterday on a price for President Obama's bailout package. Taxpayers, of course, will pick up the tab, effectively batting our eyelashes and taking our future economy out to a romantic $789,000,000,000 dinner. That number may look intimidating, but it's truly a sign of our times: three commas and, notably, no decimals.

While rounding up to the nearest billion dollars definitely puts a new twist on "keep the change," some government agencies aren't getting the point. Plastic is the new paper, and paper is the new small change. This isn't old news. Yet, the United States Mint just put into circulation one cent pieces commemorating the birthdate bicentennial of Abraham Lincoln. That's right, four new pennies for someone to collect and you to put into an old coffee mug until the mug gets really full and you pour them into an old coffee can.

These days I know we're trying to stimulate the economy and create jobs and all, but it seems as though the government could spend more of its time (and our dollars) "injecting liquidity" and "working" by issuing monetary denominations larger than the smallest one possible, or by creating something (or anything) Americans actually need. How about a single 789 billion-dollar bill? Now, that's conserving resources!

Afternoon Yellow | 02.10 - The Beautiful Card

Welcome to a special soccer-themed installment of Afternoon Yellow. Yes, I understand it's a bit like wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see.

- Chelsea sacked coach Luis Felipe Scolari this week. Tearing up the former Brazil and Portugal coach's contract is estimated to have eaten a $20M hole in the wallet of Roman Abramovich, the London club's endlessly rich and perpetually unsatisfied owner. Scolari's lineup had been good for fourth place halfway through the current Premiership season. Unfortunately, the club is now looking for its fourth manager in just over 15 months. Chelsea cautioned per Sec. B-1, 4 & 6 for making Real Madrid's coaching carousel look quaint.

- David Beckham came to America, blew out his knee, guided the L.A. Galaxy to the bottom of Major League Soccer, then decided it'd be a good idea to keep loose over in Milan. You know, just for the offseason, then back in March to the ol' U-S-of-A. He wouldn't stay in Italy. Could he? He couldn't. Or, maybe he could. He would, of course, if he could, but he probably couldn't, legally. Or could he? Well, it's decided: yes, he can! Yeesh. Enough already! Beckham's "dreams" and "goals" are as twisted as one of his free kicks -- a curious trajectory, still pretty good-looking, but increasingly irrelevant. David Beckham cautioned per Sec. B-4 for wasting two years of tabloid space that could have been spent on aliens or Victoria Beckham. Or both. Both would be awesome.

David Beckham, left, is likely leaving Los Angeles, but swears it had nothing to do with the Herbalife logo on his jersey. USA vs. Mexico, right, is a football game, not a foreign policy crisis.

- Americans might not be passionate about soccer but boy, oh, boy do we get all hot and bothered about Mexico. And sports. We love and loathe us Mexico and some sports, in any combination. Yet most Americans don't realize that Team USA holds a decade long winning streak over El Tri, and that taunting Mexicans about this fact is largely acceptable, to some degree expected, and not least of all patriotic! After all, it's only soccer.

Our apathy in this sporting conquest might be confusing, but Mexico's complex over the whole thing more than makes up the difference. Blockbuster stores in Mexico are handing out 'voodoo cards' with pictures of American players. All have the name "Gringos" on their jerseys. Instructions read: "Hold a needle firmly between your thumb and index finger and prick slowly the part of the doll where you want to affect the opponent." That's pretty funny. Cause now Mexico's gonna lose to a bunch of pin-crotched gringos! Ha! Mexico cautioned per Sec. B-1 & 6 for a rather creepy obsession. Blockbuster might want to watch it's back, too.

Lauer Snuggie'd, Coldplay to Get Served?

Did you see that Pepsi commercial during the Super Bowl with Bob Dylan and his modern counterpart, Will.I.Am, rocking the Pepsi generations? Personally, I think equating those two is ridiculous. Everybody knows that Kanye West is the voice of our generation, and pairing West with Dylan only makes sense: you can't can't understand a word either one of them says.

- The Today Show drank a bit too much Kool-Aid this morning, and everyone wound up Snuggie. While Snuggie-skeptic Matt Lauer went so far as to admit the blanket-but-better was indeed warm, his cynicism shined through, noting, “There is not one thing found in nature in this fabric.” The Today Show cautioned per Sec. B-1 for plugging an item from The Don't-Buy List.

- The video above doesn't accomplish much beyond putting on full display the incredible mediocrity of both Joe Satriani and Coldplay. I mean, after all, it's a pretty uninspired chord progression, and it doesn't bode well for Coldplay now that everyone knows a) anyone could have written it, or b) they needed someone else to write it. But the revelation that teams of lawyers with video cameras will be stalking the Grammys to serve the band with a lawsuit is pretty interesting news. Coldplay cautioned per Sec. B-4 for apparently waiting to find out whether or not the chords is question are Grammy-worthy.

High vs. High-Fat Fashion; or, Two Images You Never Thought You'd See Side-by-Side

'Paul Blart: Mall Cop' has been the number one movie at the box office for two consecutive weeks, and now there's even talk of a sequel. I don't think anybody saw that one coming, but, like Kevin James riding a Segway, these yellow cards you probably saw from a mile away.

- Aretha Franklin's singular inaugural accessory — her bow-tied hat — has become the subject of much chatter. Personally, I was a big fan of NY Mag's dismissal of its critics:

We can totally see Aretha ... decide a giant, stiff, crystal-embellished bow would be just the thing for the ceremony. Go big or go home! And would you have wanted Aretha to go home? Of course not!

However, the Smithsonian museum is apparently prepared to offer the Queen of Soul's hat a permanent place in America's heart. While the hat is certainly an American original, methinks our national curators are just grasping at free publicity. Maybe I'm just cynical. Or, have they tried pop culture stunts like this before? Smithsonian cautioned per Sec B-5. If the Queen wants to give you her crown, she'll offer it to you.

Left, Aretha Franklin's much-talked-about hat. Right, a bacon bra.
My apologies for the juxtaposition.

- In incredibly unrelated news, Geeokolgie is showing off a pair of prosciutto-wrapped melons, and in the process come shamelessly close to proving there is absolutely nothing the internet won't do with bacon. Geekologie cautioned per Sec. B-7 for all but assuring us of next week's porky meme, Bacon Thong Guy. And then you'll wish they hadn't.

I will not call Scientologists ... I will not call Scientologists ... I will not call Scientologists ...

Barbara Walters. William Shatner. James Earl Jones. Fran Dresher. And among such luminaries in the Pantheon of Unforgettable Voices, surely you would find Nancy Cartwright's Bart Simpson. The question now is: how much longer will you find her on-air?

Turns out, Cartwright, an accomplished Scientology Patron Laureate and Operating Thetan VII, lent her very specific skill set to L. Ron's sect, inviting fellow believers in a prerecorded phone call to the Scientology Flag World Tour... in the vocal styling of the young lad Simpson. That reportedly left Simpsons producers as angry as thetans with a surplus of engrams. Which is to say not pleased.

It's not yet clear who talked who into what

Cartwright has been dismissive of the incident, but no word yet on the contractual consequences of her actions, or how this "MEST" experience will affect any future rebirths.

Nancy Cartwright cautioned per Sec. 1, and 5-7 for making prank phone calls even they guys at Moe's wouldn't laugh at. Is there a Sy N. Tology in the bar?

Orange You Annoyed with All the Stickers?

Anyone who puts a sticker on fruit is cautioned per Sec B-1.

Explosions in the Thigh

My spare time has been a little irregular of late. There's no total vitamin that compensates for adjusting to the schedule of a new job. Likewise, there's no remedy for the ruination today's subject will surely bring you.

Bacon, the people's prince of meats, has been reasserting it's popular bloodline recently. It's probably not enough to rattle the marbling of choicer, classier, more classic cuts, but it's hard to deny that bacon is undergoing a cultural renaissance of sorts, however fatty and absurd.

Is that a sausage wrapped in your bacon, or are you--oh, that's sausage? I see.

Yes, following in the esteemed, excessive tradition of its contemporaries Turbaconducken and Meat Cake, even 'The Gray Lady' herself has seen fit to print the birth of The Bacon Explosion, which brings a sort of Arts and Crafts aesthetic to smokehouse sausage-making. Which is fitting, cause there's more than one thing smoked if you've got one of these in your picnic basket.

The Meat Explosion cautioned per Sec B-1 for giving The Whopper a decent name.

B-A-N-A-N-A-BOOM!

There are two possible reasons why I haven't been carding very much lately. The first is that I'm not leaving my apartment enough, which is definitely plausible; as we all know, the streets are full of crazy people who need cards. The other reason is also quite simple: bananas.

Let me clarify that: bananas thrown by apes at variously deduced angles and velocities.

Gorillas! And they're even less visually refined than in Rampage!
Did you even know that was possible?!

That's right, the DOS game you loved as a kid* has been resurrected in Flash, and guess what? Yeah, it's still awesome. You can't play against a computer, and of course the intro is entirely irrelevant, but gravity is still customizable (default is 9.8 m/s, cause the game is way nerdy like that.) So, choose your angle, adjust the velocity, and let the fruits of destruction fly.

Gorillas cautioned per Sec. B-4 for destroying hours of my life into red and white-pixelated explosions. *If you were born between, oh, let's say 1975 and 1989.

Afternoon Yellow | 01.19 - Too Much Booze, Boobs

Can you believe we've only got one day left of George W. Bush running this country? I carded him once, but he issued an executive order removing my card from the record. So, now you know.

- The "world's finest liquid reservoir ski pole" is the Coldpole, which allows you to hit the slopes with approximately 16 oz of your libation of choice concealed within the handle of your ski poles. I'll tell you what, that bare-ass guy hanging upside down from a ski lift makes a lot more sense. The Coldpole cautioned per Sec. B-1 for being a genuinely bad idea.

- Chile is "outraged" over Ricardo Oyarzun's upcoming fashion show in which the Chilean designer intends to dress female models a la the Virgin Mary. And, as if Biblically-themed outfits in a spring fashion lineup wasn't shocking enough, Oyarzun's models have a certain je ne sais quoi perhaps best translated as: cleavage. I can't imagine where he got the idea that Chile would tolerate such flesh-toned nonsense.

One of Oyarzun's models, left, and Cecilia Bolocco, Chilean TV host, former Miss Universe, and wife of Argentina's president, right. wearing a see-through dress.

Chile's Episcopal Conference responded to Oyarzun's show with the following: "We look on with special pain and deplore those acts which seek to tarnish manifestations of sincere love toward the Virgin Mary, which end up striking at the dignity of womankind by presenting her as an object of consumption." Clearly this is a bunch that doesn't watch a lot of Chilean television. Chile's Episcopal Conference cautioned per Sec B-2 for too little, way too late.

Morning Yellow | 01.15

Been looking for a job. I was hoping to find work as an office referee. Nothing yet, but I've found more people are interested if I don't card potential bosses during the interview.

- PETA has devised a plan to rid the world of its nasty fish-eating habit: refer to fish as 'sea kittens'. To quote the sea kittens campaign coordinator Ashley Byrne, "Knowing that the fish sticks in the school cafeteria are really made out of tortured sea kittens makes most kids want to lose their lunch." Doesn't that imply a non-tortured sea kitten would make a perfectly delicious lunch? Hmm... I'll bet this terrible idea lasts as long as it takes one confused 5-year-old to drop a land kitten into an aquarium. PETA cautioned per Sec. B-1 for treating people like they're complete idiots.

- The European Council in Brussels is preparing to hand off the rotating European Union presidency to the Czech Republic, but Europe was more that a little taken aback to see how the Czechs apparently decided to decorate the office... with European stereotypes. Big ones, too. Literally. Like, 200 square feet of stereotypes mounted to the building's exterior.

Guess that's what happens when you commission 'the enfant terrible of the Czech art world' to decorate your presidency. His 'terrible'-ness David Cerny has responded, "we wanted to find out if Europe is able to laugh at itself." I dunno about Europe, but America is definitely laughing. European Union cautioned per Sec. B-1 and 7 for not reading the contract more carefully.

- And then there's Ryan Seacrest, who tried to high-five a blind guy on American Idol:

Ryan Seacrest cautioned per Sec B-7 for being that guy.

UPDATE: Fleeing Businessman Arrested, News Media Dissappointed As Wacky Fugitive Story Comes to an End

Marcus Schrenker was hauled in by authorities last night, proving that you can run but you can't hide from a yellow card. Cable news outfits were left scrambling to find material to cover for the rest of the week.

Morning Yellow | 01.13

The yellow card never sets on the YC|RC empire.

- The BBC is reporting on Marcus Schrenker, an American businessman, who apparently faked a distress signal from his plane before it crashed into a Florida swamp. Rescue pilots called his bluff after responding to the call and "found Mr. Schrenker's plane flying on autopilot, with its door open and no sign of the pilot." Would it surprise you to learn that Schrenker was under investigation for some financial improprieties? Now, that's a golden parachute. Schrenker cautioned per Sec. B-4. That is, whenever he turns up.

- Reports from Madrid this weekend told a tale of winter mayhem. Highways were parking lots, the airport was a parking lot, and parking lots were... icy? Apparently, in January at least, the rain in Spain freezes and dumps on the capital, and the madridlenos freak their shit out. I was fortunate to witness this spectacle firsthand some five years back. I assure you, it's quite a sight. These people can bake for months in the kiln of a Spanish summer and never bat an eye, but you'd rather run with the bulls in Pamplona than try to drive down the Paseo de la Castellana with a dusting of show.

A Madrid resident risks her life yesterday on the city's streets.

Now, forecasters are broadcasting this morning an aviso naranja for Madrid, or 'orange alert,' which is classified as 'an important risk.' The risk? Three centimeters of snow. Madrid cautioned per Sec. B-1 for giving Barcelona another reason to laugh this winter.

- Back here in the good ol' U-S-of-A, a United States Marshal Service lawyer, Joseph Band, may have used a company car for transportation to his second job. That car, however, was a federal limo complete with on-duty deputy escorts, his job was as a statistician for FOX Sports, and he may have arranged vehicle escorts for his coworkers: broadcasters Tim McCarver, Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. According to an NY Times article, Band's "job at the Marshals Service’s Office of General Counsel included advising employees on 'matters of ethics and integrity.'" Band cautioned per Sec. B-7 for filling up with sports stats the part of his brain reserved for remembering his job description.

Dear America: I would like to apologize for producing Joe Wurzelbacher. I will try harder in the future. All best, Ohio

Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher famously accused Barak Obama of thrusting him into the national spotlight after he asked the now-President Elect a question, didn't like the answer, enlisted with John McCain, then later claimed the now-President Reject made him feel "dirty." Joe's questionable knowledge about politics and lack of basic math skills endeared him to Sarah Palin fans everywhere. As much as it hurts to admit, I'd argue he's now America's most well-known Ohioan. And while the election might be over, Joe's not.

The spotlight-shy, blue collar champion has turned his back on himself yet again. He's a media guy now, covering Israel's war in Gaza with the complete disregard for competence he's brought to every other public facet of his life (you really have to wonder if the guy can actually snake a drain). His commentary on the conflict makes Elizabeth Hasselbeck look like a Pulitzer Prize-winning investagative journalist.

Joe the Reporter cautioned per Sec. B, Art. 4 and 7 for hypocrisy of the highest order.

English First, People Second in Nashville

Watched a lot of football this weekend, some of it on FOX. The worst thing about watching football on FOX, aside from Joe Buck, is having to watch that stupid dancing robot. There aren't enough red cards in the world to express how much I hate that thing. However, I've got one for some folks in Tennessee.

The NY Times wrote on Saturday about a ballot measure in Nashville to make English the official (read: only) language spoken in Davidson County, TN. If it passes, Nashville would become the largest American city to ban the use of languages other than English by city officials. Councilman Eric Crafton defends his ballot initiative by citing this worst-case possibility if the status quo is allowed to stand:

I happened to see a state legislature meeting in California where several of the state representatives had interpreters at their desk because they couldn’t speak English.

Former Tennessee R.N.C. chairman Johnathan Crisp somehow sees an even bigger picture: “Our opponents talk about Nashville being the ‘Athens of the South.’ But if you go to the other Athens, in Greece, all of the government workers are speaking Greek.”

Glad he specified Athens, Greece, because at first I thought he meant Athens, Georgia, the one north of Florida, and I had no idea they spoke Greek. They don't, which makes sense, now.

One of these ancient structures stands in Athens, Greece; the other is in Nashville. Can you tell which one is which?

But let's get to the point: Greeks speak Greek in Greece because almost 94% of the country, according to 2006 numbers, identifies itself as being Greek, while 99% of the country speaks the language. For the math-challenged, that leaves about 1% of non-Greek-speaking Greeks in Greece. Compare that to the 10% of Nashville households that choose to speak a language other than English. Presumably not Greek, but a not insignificant 1,000% difference.

(This does lead us to at least one interesting revelation: 'The Athens of the South' is today arguably more diverse, at least linguistically, than its once-ancient counterpart. Go figure.)

If passed, however, Nashville municipal officials will be required to speak English, with exceptions made for cases of 'health and safety,' which is the worst kind of jingoistic bullshit. It's deliberately deceptive. It's condescending. It's saying, "we care about your health and safety so much we made it an exception clause in our little law. But now that we've outlawed speaking your language ourselves, which we never did to begin with, good luck finding someone to talk to, suckers!"

At best, these Republicans are just trying to create one universal way for Nashville to communicate, which just so happens to be English; at worst, they're trying to persuade minority groups to leave town in search of a city willing to speak their language. If it's the former, there are far better ways to go about it. If it's the latter, it's un-American.

Eric Crafton and the Nashville Republican Party are ordered to cease and desist per Section C, Article 6 for insulting the spirit of American democracy, whatever language it happens to speak.