Fred Glare

Back in December there were even more lights blazing in Fred Flare's so-cute-you'll-puke window, but this is still awfully illuminated, if you ask me. Mother Nature is crying, Fred. Maybe you could "stay cute" and conserve some resources at the same time?

Fred Flare cautioned per Sec. B-6. Yellow doesn't look so cute now, does it, Fred?

Courgars and MILFs and Pictures, Oh My! (But Don't Bother Explaining Your Point.)

I haven't been posting much lately (but Aaron has!), so let's get back up to speed:

Bonnie Fuller Huffington-Posted this, uh, let's call it an "essay" on the appeal of the finely aged female. She invokes a litany including Jennifer Aniston, Cindy Crawford, Demi Moore, et. al., and she supports her argument in favor of oldies-but-hotties with an ample and admirable collection of images. If you scroll down (and you did, to look at all the pictures), you'll even find a quiz. Extra clicking! Ms. Fuller must be right: old is the new hot!

Has your attention been grabbed? Of course it has. Now, read some more filler...

Unfortunately, Ms. Fuller never gets around to explaining or examining why today's sex symbols also happen to have been yesterday's. Are America's youth just not attractive enough? Is Photoshop the new plastic surgery? Perhaps we're living in some crazy post-feminist society where we can only objectify women who existed pre-post-feminism! (Not likely.) Are we just lazy? Bored? Or, have we been duped by Meg Ryan's PR agents? Perhaps the discussion is entirely irrelevant. (Possible.)

Only after she names a few 30-somethings (as if!) does Fuller finally pose a relevant question: "do they honestly have even the depth of deep hotness and complexity as our 40-somethings?" (Um, what in the name of Heidi Klum is "the depth of deep hotness?" Can that actually be measured?)

And with that, before any complexity or intrigue finds its way into the piece, we're off discussing another piece (Sarah Palin) and the irony is complete: a entirely superficial list somehow extolling the virtues of complex beauty.

What won't the Huffington Post talk about next!

Huffington Post and Bonnie Fuller cautioned per Sec. B-2 and 7 for piquing my interest and not my intellect.

"This is 9-1-1, what's your McEmergency?"

Blame it on the recession?

On Tuesday, a Florida woman attempted to order Chicken McNuggets at a Fort Pierce, Florida McDonalds. After handing over her money, she was told the kitchen was exactly six pieces short of her six-piece order. The cashier instead offered the stunned woman, Latreasa Goodman, 27, a McDouble and a small fry. Goodman refused. But when she was told that it is McDonalds policy to not allow refunds, she, as they say, lost her freaking honey mustard sauce and called 9-1-1.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you were not already aware, in Florida, among many other misuses of the number, it is actually a misdemenor "to use [9-1-1] in an effort to avoid any charge for service." Apparently, this happens a lot in Florida.

Latreasa Goodman cautioned per Sec. B-2 for maybe overreacting.

Talk Is Cheap. Refusing to Talk At All Can Be Costly.

Last fall, a man named John McCain canceled an interview with David Letterman. Life on the campaign trail was simply too demanding, he said, and his visit to the Ed Sullivan Theater would just have to wait. A few hours later, McCain was spotted on CBS's own internal camera network prepping for an interview with Katie Couric. It was a mistake McCain came to regret.

For weeks, Letterman laid into the presidential candidate. By the time McCain appeared on the Late Show, the damage had been done.

Did he know that Letterman and Couric both work at the same network?

A week or so ago, a man named Rick Santelli reported for CNBC from the floor of the Chicago Stock Exchange. He decried President Obama's bailout, not for the money it poured into failed banks, but for the handful of actual homeowners who would be helped with their mortgages. Santelli refered to these homeowners as 'losers' and stirred something in the conservative base that hasn't moved since Sarah Palin walked onto a stage in Dayton, Ohio: a populist pulse.

Of course, we all know how Sarah Palin worked out. That pulse quickened, then flatlined as soon as reality set in. Sure enough, Rick Santelli, too, was riding high for a few weeks, and even agreed to show up last night on The Daily Show. Only, in the meantime, the fever pitch broke and the populist revolt was over before it started. Without his masses all hot and bothered, Rick went maverick and canceled on Jon Stewart. Suffice it to say that it was a bad idea, for both Santelli and CNBC:

The Daily Show With Jon StewartM - Th 11p / 10c

CNBC Gives Financial Advice

Daily Show Full Episodes
Important Things With Demetri Martin

Political Humor
Joke of the Day

Rick Santelli cautioned per Sec. B-6 for only stirring the pot in his own kitchen.

Greg Rutter Ruins the Internet

I saw a woman in the 23rd-Ely Avenue station this evening haggling with a guy selling bootleg DVDs. She was informing him that the first DVD she bought from him was really great, but her copy of Hotel For Dogs was really blurry. It was the first time in my life I've sympathized with the guy selling bootleg DVDs.

Back on the internet, somebody named Greg Rutter has come up with a "DEFINITIVE LIST" of internet memes that you should have "ALREADY EXPERIENCED... UNLESS YOU'RE A LOSER OR OLD OR SOMETHING." There are 99 items on this list, which, as you may have guessed from the all-caps intro, is very poorly capitalized. Additionally, it is questionably curated.

Truly, my pixelated friend, it has been too long.

The are the (yawn!) obvious modern nods ("Don't tase me, bro" and "I'm f*!king Matt Damon"), and at least one truly awesome video that really does make the internet a better place (Battle at Kruger). There's a link to Cute Overload and one to Homestar Runner, a link to Fail Blog and another to Will It Blend?. But mostly this is just Greg Rutter's personal YouTube playlist with a few half-baked odes to the internet of years past. Greg Rutter, you didn't even bother to link to original files! All your links are belong to YouTube!

Greg Rutter, if you're going to bring to the internet something you so boldly capitalize as its "DEFINITIVE" collection of "THE 99 THINGS" needed to "EXPERIENCE" it, then you need to step up your game. Literally, there are no games on your list, way too many entirely irrelevant videos, exactly zero LOLcats, and where, in the name of all that is holy and digital, is Hampster Dance?! Where is the bubble wrap?! And unless you've recreated the experience of using Napster a decade ago... well. You haven't even started.

List Fail.

Greg Rutter cautioned per Sec. C-7 for really not even trying.

What's Black and White and Arguably Racist?

I've shown a yellow card to my flu every day for the past three days. No luck as of yet. I'll keep trying. Maybe I need to show it some sterner stuff, like what I'm about to show to The NY Post.

This morning the NYC rag ran an editorial cartoon by Sean Delonas which drew its satirical inspiration from the much-reported story of the Long Island chimpanzee that turned on its owner. Pretty frightening and sensational stuff. It not hard to guess why the Post is mining it for material. But did this one cross the line?

In Delonas' cartoon, the rampaging chimp is shown shot dead, two of NY's Finest and most befuddled standing over it. One quips, "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill." There's the obviously figurative interpretation, which likens President Obama to a chimp, or there's the literal interpretation, which suggests Congressional democrats (remember, GOP rank and file refused to back the bill) have adopted a new logo.

It's not hard to see why the Post might compare Congressional democrats as rabid anythings, being flush with new found power. But the obvious connections to President's Obama's as of yet signature legislation should be impossible to ignore. Was The Post, with the wisdom of a stack of wet newspapers, betting folks would just look past the century of racial implications swirling around Delonas' cartoon, however unintentionally they were put there?

We like to think of drawing as art, a creative outpouring of ideas beyond reproach, but drawing for a political satirist at the New York Post is also work, and not everything one does as work is beyond reproach. I have lots of good ideas and many bad ones in my professional life, and I assure you, just because they are creative, my bad ideas are not worth putting on television or publishing for all to read.

It's arguably impossible for a newspaper editor worth his or her salt to see a drawing of primate accompanied by text evocative of a black man and not know the shit storm likely to follow its publishing. Of course, in Newspaper World, controversy equals sales and web traffic. The Post knew exactly what it was getting. But when Rev. Al Sharpton called the editorial "troubling at best given the historic racist attacks of African-Americans," The Post had the audacity to respond by calling Rev. Sharpton, "a publicity opportunist."

Now, that's the pot calling the kettle black! (No offense to Rev. Sharpton.)

The New York Post is asked to cease and desist with obvious racial innuendo per Sec. C-6.

Evening Yellow | 02.14 - U Again?

Happy Valentine's Day. I debated pulling a red card today, just to keep with holiday aesthetics and whatnot, but that would have been excessive, and I would have just ended up showing myself yellow. That's what we call a card-22.

- In March, Bono and the boys of U2 release their new album, "No Line on the Horizon." They'll promote it with an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman. Actually, five appearances, to be exact, every night from March 2-6. Welcome to Late Night, Jimmy Fallon. U2 cautioned per Sec. B-4.

U2 very much hopes you watch Letterman, though they do seem to prefer champagne to instant coffee. Bummer, Starbucks.

- Starbucks is set to unveil the greatest innovation in coffee since "tall," "grande," and "vente": "soluble" coffee. Personally, I favor getting delicious dark-roasted beans ground up and siphoned into my system as fast as humanly possible, but Starbucks' assault on the English language is disturbing. We all know "soluble" is just a nicer word for "instant," like "tall" is trying to not be "small," though "vente" is actually a very concise summary of "you're paying $5 for coffee, you moron." Starbucks cautioned per Sec. B-7 for too much time spent on marketing and not nearly enough making "coffee."

What Would $789B in Pennies Look Like?

The government is about to put an awful lot of money into "economic growth." I hope they've invested in the yellow card market.

Congress for weeks had threatened to ask for separate checks at Washington's bipartisan buffet, then agreed yesterday on a price for President Obama's bailout package. Taxpayers, of course, will pick up the tab, effectively batting our eyelashes and taking our future economy out to a romantic $789,000,000,000 dinner. That number may look intimidating, but it's truly a sign of our times: three commas and, notably, no decimals.

While rounding up to the nearest billion dollars definitely puts a new twist on "keep the change," some government agencies aren't getting the point. Plastic is the new paper, and paper is the new small change. This isn't old news. Yet, the United States Mint just put into circulation one cent pieces commemorating the birthdate bicentennial of Abraham Lincoln. That's right, four new pennies for someone to collect and you to put into an old coffee mug until the mug gets really full and you pour them into an old coffee can.

These days I know we're trying to stimulate the economy and create jobs and all, but it seems as though the government could spend more of its time (and our dollars) "injecting liquidity" and "working" by issuing monetary denominations larger than the smallest one possible, or by creating something (or anything) Americans actually need. How about a single 789 billion-dollar bill? Now, that's conserving resources!

Afternoon Yellow | 02.10 - The Beautiful Card

Welcome to a special soccer-themed installment of Afternoon Yellow. Yes, I understand it's a bit like wearing the shirt of the band you're going to see.

- Chelsea sacked coach Luis Felipe Scolari this week. Tearing up the former Brazil and Portugal coach's contract is estimated to have eaten a $20M hole in the wallet of Roman Abramovich, the London club's endlessly rich and perpetually unsatisfied owner. Scolari's lineup had been good for fourth place halfway through the current Premiership season. Unfortunately, the club is now looking for its fourth manager in just over 15 months. Chelsea cautioned per Sec. B-1, 4 & 6 for making Real Madrid's coaching carousel look quaint.

- David Beckham came to America, blew out his knee, guided the L.A. Galaxy to the bottom of Major League Soccer, then decided it'd be a good idea to keep loose over in Milan. You know, just for the offseason, then back in March to the ol' U-S-of-A. He wouldn't stay in Italy. Could he? He couldn't. Or, maybe he could. He would, of course, if he could, but he probably couldn't, legally. Or could he? Well, it's decided: yes, he can! Yeesh. Enough already! Beckham's "dreams" and "goals" are as twisted as one of his free kicks -- a curious trajectory, still pretty good-looking, but increasingly irrelevant. David Beckham cautioned per Sec. B-4 for wasting two years of tabloid space that could have been spent on aliens or Victoria Beckham. Or both. Both would be awesome.

David Beckham, left, is likely leaving Los Angeles, but swears it had nothing to do with the Herbalife logo on his jersey. USA vs. Mexico, right, is a football game, not a foreign policy crisis.

- Americans might not be passionate about soccer but boy, oh, boy do we get all hot and bothered about Mexico. And sports. We love and loathe us Mexico and some sports, in any combination. Yet most Americans don't realize that Team USA holds a decade long winning streak over El Tri, and that taunting Mexicans about this fact is largely acceptable, to some degree expected, and not least of all patriotic! After all, it's only soccer.

Our apathy in this sporting conquest might be confusing, but Mexico's complex over the whole thing more than makes up the difference. Blockbuster stores in Mexico are handing out 'voodoo cards' with pictures of American players. All have the name "Gringos" on their jerseys. Instructions read: "Hold a needle firmly between your thumb and index finger and prick slowly the part of the doll where you want to affect the opponent." That's pretty funny. Cause now Mexico's gonna lose to a bunch of pin-crotched gringos! Ha! Mexico cautioned per Sec. B-1 & 6 for a rather creepy obsession. Blockbuster might want to watch it's back, too.

Lauer Snuggie'd, Coldplay to Get Served?

Did you see that Pepsi commercial during the Super Bowl with Bob Dylan and his modern counterpart, Will.I.Am, rocking the Pepsi generations? Personally, I think equating those two is ridiculous. Everybody knows that Kanye West is the voice of our generation, and pairing West with Dylan only makes sense: you can't can't understand a word either one of them says.

- The Today Show drank a bit too much Kool-Aid this morning, and everyone wound up Snuggie. While Snuggie-skeptic Matt Lauer went so far as to admit the blanket-but-better was indeed warm, his cynicism shined through, noting, “There is not one thing found in nature in this fabric.” The Today Show cautioned per Sec. B-1 for plugging an item from The Don't-Buy List.

- The video above doesn't accomplish much beyond putting on full display the incredible mediocrity of both Joe Satriani and Coldplay. I mean, after all, it's a pretty uninspired chord progression, and it doesn't bode well for Coldplay now that everyone knows a) anyone could have written it, or b) they needed someone else to write it. But the revelation that teams of lawyers with video cameras will be stalking the Grammys to serve the band with a lawsuit is pretty interesting news. Coldplay cautioned per Sec. B-4 for apparently waiting to find out whether or not the chords is question are Grammy-worthy.