High vs. High-Fat Fashion; or, Two Images You Never Thought You'd See Side-by-Side

'Paul Blart: Mall Cop' has been the number one movie at the box office for two consecutive weeks, and now there's even talk of a sequel. I don't think anybody saw that one coming, but, like Kevin James riding a Segway, these yellow cards you probably saw from a mile away.

- Aretha Franklin's singular inaugural accessory — her bow-tied hat — has become the subject of much chatter. Personally, I was a big fan of NY Mag's dismissal of its critics:

We can totally see Aretha ... decide a giant, stiff, crystal-embellished bow would be just the thing for the ceremony. Go big or go home! And would you have wanted Aretha to go home? Of course not!

However, the Smithsonian museum is apparently prepared to offer the Queen of Soul's hat a permanent place in America's heart. While the hat is certainly an American original, methinks our national curators are just grasping at free publicity. Maybe I'm just cynical. Or, have they tried pop culture stunts like this before? Smithsonian cautioned per Sec B-5. If the Queen wants to give you her crown, she'll offer it to you.

Left, Aretha Franklin's much-talked-about hat. Right, a bacon bra.
My apologies for the juxtaposition.

- In incredibly unrelated news, Geeokolgie is showing off a pair of prosciutto-wrapped melons, and in the process come shamelessly close to proving there is absolutely nothing the internet won't do with bacon. Geekologie cautioned per Sec. B-7 for all but assuring us of next week's porky meme, Bacon Thong Guy. And then you'll wish they hadn't.

I will not call Scientologists ... I will not call Scientologists ... I will not call Scientologists ...

Barbara Walters. William Shatner. James Earl Jones. Fran Dresher. And among such luminaries in the Pantheon of Unforgettable Voices, surely you would find Nancy Cartwright's Bart Simpson. The question now is: how much longer will you find her on-air?

Turns out, Cartwright, an accomplished Scientology Patron Laureate and Operating Thetan VII, lent her very specific skill set to L. Ron's sect, inviting fellow believers in a prerecorded phone call to the Scientology Flag World Tour... in the vocal styling of the young lad Simpson. That reportedly left Simpsons producers as angry as thetans with a surplus of engrams. Which is to say not pleased.

It's not yet clear who talked who into what

Cartwright has been dismissive of the incident, but no word yet on the contractual consequences of her actions, or how this "MEST" experience will affect any future rebirths.

Nancy Cartwright cautioned per Sec. 1, and 5-7 for making prank phone calls even they guys at Moe's wouldn't laugh at. Is there a Sy N. Tology in the bar?

Orange You Annoyed with All the Stickers?

Anyone who puts a sticker on fruit is cautioned per Sec B-1.

Explosions in the Thigh

My spare time has been a little irregular of late. There's no total vitamin that compensates for adjusting to the schedule of a new job. Likewise, there's no remedy for the ruination today's subject will surely bring you.

Bacon, the people's prince of meats, has been reasserting it's popular bloodline recently. It's probably not enough to rattle the marbling of choicer, classier, more classic cuts, but it's hard to deny that bacon is undergoing a cultural renaissance of sorts, however fatty and absurd.

Is that a sausage wrapped in your bacon, or are you--oh, that's sausage? I see.

Yes, following in the esteemed, excessive tradition of its contemporaries Turbaconducken and Meat Cake, even 'The Gray Lady' herself has seen fit to print the birth of The Bacon Explosion, which brings a sort of Arts and Crafts aesthetic to smokehouse sausage-making. Which is fitting, cause there's more than one thing smoked if you've got one of these in your picnic basket.

The Meat Explosion cautioned per Sec B-1 for giving The Whopper a decent name.

B-A-N-A-N-A-BOOM!

There are two possible reasons why I haven't been carding very much lately. The first is that I'm not leaving my apartment enough, which is definitely plausible; as we all know, the streets are full of crazy people who need cards. The other reason is also quite simple: bananas.

Let me clarify that: bananas thrown by apes at variously deduced angles and velocities.

Gorillas! And they're even less visually refined than in Rampage!
Did you even know that was possible?!

That's right, the DOS game you loved as a kid* has been resurrected in Flash, and guess what? Yeah, it's still awesome. You can't play against a computer, and of course the intro is entirely irrelevant, but gravity is still customizable (default is 9.8 m/s, cause the game is way nerdy like that.) So, choose your angle, adjust the velocity, and let the fruits of destruction fly.

Gorillas cautioned per Sec. B-4 for destroying hours of my life into red and white-pixelated explosions. *If you were born between, oh, let's say 1975 and 1989.

Afternoon Yellow | 01.19 - Too Much Booze, Boobs

Can you believe we've only got one day left of George W. Bush running this country? I carded him once, but he issued an executive order removing my card from the record. So, now you know.

- The "world's finest liquid reservoir ski pole" is the Coldpole, which allows you to hit the slopes with approximately 16 oz of your libation of choice concealed within the handle of your ski poles. I'll tell you what, that bare-ass guy hanging upside down from a ski lift makes a lot more sense. The Coldpole cautioned per Sec. B-1 for being a genuinely bad idea.

- Chile is "outraged" over Ricardo Oyarzun's upcoming fashion show in which the Chilean designer intends to dress female models a la the Virgin Mary. And, as if Biblically-themed outfits in a spring fashion lineup wasn't shocking enough, Oyarzun's models have a certain je ne sais quoi perhaps best translated as: cleavage. I can't imagine where he got the idea that Chile would tolerate such flesh-toned nonsense.

One of Oyarzun's models, left, and Cecilia Bolocco, Chilean TV host, former Miss Universe, and wife of Argentina's president, right. wearing a see-through dress.

Chile's Episcopal Conference responded to Oyarzun's show with the following: "We look on with special pain and deplore those acts which seek to tarnish manifestations of sincere love toward the Virgin Mary, which end up striking at the dignity of womankind by presenting her as an object of consumption." Clearly this is a bunch that doesn't watch a lot of Chilean television. Chile's Episcopal Conference cautioned per Sec B-2 for too little, way too late.

Morning Yellow | 01.15

Been looking for a job. I was hoping to find work as an office referee. Nothing yet, but I've found more people are interested if I don't card potential bosses during the interview.

- PETA has devised a plan to rid the world of its nasty fish-eating habit: refer to fish as 'sea kittens'. To quote the sea kittens campaign coordinator Ashley Byrne, "Knowing that the fish sticks in the school cafeteria are really made out of tortured sea kittens makes most kids want to lose their lunch." Doesn't that imply a non-tortured sea kitten would make a perfectly delicious lunch? Hmm... I'll bet this terrible idea lasts as long as it takes one confused 5-year-old to drop a land kitten into an aquarium. PETA cautioned per Sec. B-1 for treating people like they're complete idiots.

- The European Council in Brussels is preparing to hand off the rotating European Union presidency to the Czech Republic, but Europe was more that a little taken aback to see how the Czechs apparently decided to decorate the office... with European stereotypes. Big ones, too. Literally. Like, 200 square feet of stereotypes mounted to the building's exterior.

Guess that's what happens when you commission 'the enfant terrible of the Czech art world' to decorate your presidency. His 'terrible'-ness David Cerny has responded, "we wanted to find out if Europe is able to laugh at itself." I dunno about Europe, but America is definitely laughing. European Union cautioned per Sec. B-1 and 7 for not reading the contract more carefully.

- And then there's Ryan Seacrest, who tried to high-five a blind guy on American Idol:

Ryan Seacrest cautioned per Sec B-7 for being that guy.

UPDATE: Fleeing Businessman Arrested, News Media Dissappointed As Wacky Fugitive Story Comes to an End

Marcus Schrenker was hauled in by authorities last night, proving that you can run but you can't hide from a yellow card. Cable news outfits were left scrambling to find material to cover for the rest of the week.

Morning Yellow | 01.13

The yellow card never sets on the YC|RC empire.

- The BBC is reporting on Marcus Schrenker, an American businessman, who apparently faked a distress signal from his plane before it crashed into a Florida swamp. Rescue pilots called his bluff after responding to the call and "found Mr. Schrenker's plane flying on autopilot, with its door open and no sign of the pilot." Would it surprise you to learn that Schrenker was under investigation for some financial improprieties? Now, that's a golden parachute. Schrenker cautioned per Sec. B-4. That is, whenever he turns up.

- Reports from Madrid this weekend told a tale of winter mayhem. Highways were parking lots, the airport was a parking lot, and parking lots were... icy? Apparently, in January at least, the rain in Spain freezes and dumps on the capital, and the madridlenos freak their shit out. I was fortunate to witness this spectacle firsthand some five years back. I assure you, it's quite a sight. These people can bake for months in the kiln of a Spanish summer and never bat an eye, but you'd rather run with the bulls in Pamplona than try to drive down the Paseo de la Castellana with a dusting of show.

A Madrid resident risks her life yesterday on the city's streets.

Now, forecasters are broadcasting this morning an aviso naranja for Madrid, or 'orange alert,' which is classified as 'an important risk.' The risk? Three centimeters of snow. Madrid cautioned per Sec. B-1 for giving Barcelona another reason to laugh this winter.

- Back here in the good ol' U-S-of-A, a United States Marshal Service lawyer, Joseph Band, may have used a company car for transportation to his second job. That car, however, was a federal limo complete with on-duty deputy escorts, his job was as a statistician for FOX Sports, and he may have arranged vehicle escorts for his coworkers: broadcasters Tim McCarver, Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. According to an NY Times article, Band's "job at the Marshals Service’s Office of General Counsel included advising employees on 'matters of ethics and integrity.'" Band cautioned per Sec. B-7 for filling up with sports stats the part of his brain reserved for remembering his job description.

Dear America: I would like to apologize for producing Joe Wurzelbacher. I will try harder in the future. All best, Ohio

Joe "The Plumber" Wurzelbacher famously accused Barak Obama of thrusting him into the national spotlight after he asked the now-President Elect a question, didn't like the answer, enlisted with John McCain, then later claimed the now-President Reject made him feel "dirty." Joe's questionable knowledge about politics and lack of basic math skills endeared him to Sarah Palin fans everywhere. As much as it hurts to admit, I'd argue he's now America's most well-known Ohioan. And while the election might be over, Joe's not.

The spotlight-shy, blue collar champion has turned his back on himself yet again. He's a media guy now, covering Israel's war in Gaza with the complete disregard for competence he's brought to every other public facet of his life (you really have to wonder if the guy can actually snake a drain). His commentary on the conflict makes Elizabeth Hasselbeck look like a Pulitzer Prize-winning investagative journalist.

Joe the Reporter cautioned per Sec. B, Art. 4 and 7 for hypocrisy of the highest order.

English First, People Second in Nashville

Watched a lot of football this weekend, some of it on FOX. The worst thing about watching football on FOX, aside from Joe Buck, is having to watch that stupid dancing robot. There aren't enough red cards in the world to express how much I hate that thing. However, I've got one for some folks in Tennessee.

The NY Times wrote on Saturday about a ballot measure in Nashville to make English the official (read: only) language spoken in Davidson County, TN. If it passes, Nashville would become the largest American city to ban the use of languages other than English by city officials. Councilman Eric Crafton defends his ballot initiative by citing this worst-case possibility if the status quo is allowed to stand:

I happened to see a state legislature meeting in California where several of the state representatives had interpreters at their desk because they couldn’t speak English.

Former Tennessee R.N.C. chairman Johnathan Crisp somehow sees an even bigger picture: “Our opponents talk about Nashville being the ‘Athens of the South.’ But if you go to the other Athens, in Greece, all of the government workers are speaking Greek.”

Glad he specified Athens, Greece, because at first I thought he meant Athens, Georgia, the one north of Florida, and I had no idea they spoke Greek. They don't, which makes sense, now.

One of these ancient structures stands in Athens, Greece; the other is in Nashville. Can you tell which one is which?

But let's get to the point: Greeks speak Greek in Greece because almost 94% of the country, according to 2006 numbers, identifies itself as being Greek, while 99% of the country speaks the language. For the math-challenged, that leaves about 1% of non-Greek-speaking Greeks in Greece. Compare that to the 10% of Nashville households that choose to speak a language other than English. Presumably not Greek, but a not insignificant 1,000% difference.

(This does lead us to at least one interesting revelation: 'The Athens of the South' is today arguably more diverse, at least linguistically, than its once-ancient counterpart. Go figure.)

If passed, however, Nashville municipal officials will be required to speak English, with exceptions made for cases of 'health and safety,' which is the worst kind of jingoistic bullshit. It's deliberately deceptive. It's condescending. It's saying, "we care about your health and safety so much we made it an exception clause in our little law. But now that we've outlawed speaking your language ourselves, which we never did to begin with, good luck finding someone to talk to, suckers!"

At best, these Republicans are just trying to create one universal way for Nashville to communicate, which just so happens to be English; at worst, they're trying to persuade minority groups to leave town in search of a city willing to speak their language. If it's the former, there are far better ways to go about it. If it's the latter, it's un-American.

Eric Crafton and the Nashville Republican Party are ordered to cease and desist per Section C, Article 6 for insulting the spirit of American democracy, whatever language it happens to speak.

Change? Argentina Can't Believe In It.

Kudos to Roxie for bringing to our attention the plight of monedas in Buenos Aires.

Joe Keohane writes on Slate.com about this curious case of coin-hoarding, which has led to a metal money black market across Argentina. The situation is compounded by mobs and bus companies profiteering from the crisis, but the government and banks seem even more helpless in the hands of everyday Argentinians who would rather give up an entire 2-peso bill than attempt exact change, perpetuating fear and further encouraging the hoarders.

But, while a 2-peso note has almost no value, a 5-peso note is practically priceless. Keohane observes, "5s and 10s are harder to come by, because they're actually worth something. In many cases, they're more worth more than 20s, because you can buy things with them... I've found myself buying an expensive lunch, costing, say, 60 pesos, just to break a 100 into more useful constituent parts so I can buy something I need, like beer."

So, it's time to break the piggy bank, Argentina. In times of financial crisis, real patriots spend money. And they pay with exact change. Well, actually, here patriots just put it on a credit card, but I wouldn't go down that road if I were you.

Argentinians cautioned per Sec B-1 for not believing in change. Image from Slate.com.

I Don't Mind Mondays, Not Such a Fan of 'House'

Saw a new ad for House last night on FOX during the Fiesta Bowl. The show is moving to a new time slot on Monday nights, and this new ad features the curmudgeon-savant played by Hugh Laurie edited against "I Don't Like Mondays" as performed by The Boomtown Rats. Why is this a yellow card? FOX apparently has no idea what the song is about.

I suspect the writers of the show have some clue. After all, they featured the piano riff from the song's open in an episode where Laurie's character, House, plays the theme and a "half-wit" genius played by Dave Matthews immediately mimics him:

I'm unaware if the episode's plot in any way reflects the song's somber origins, but I'm betting the promo folks wouldn't have chosen it had they noticed that Bob Geldof penned the U.K. chart-topper in 1979 about a school shooting in San Diego. Not that a song's inspiration should prevent it from being enjoyed. I just find it a bit lacking in taste to take a song about the indiscriminate shooting of ten people and treat its refrain like a Garfield punchline.

Of course, I suppose it's not the least bit ironic that the song was performed for the first time live in San Diego only one month after the shooting... at the FOX Theater. FOX cautioned anyway per Sec. B-1 for not thinking--or Googling--any further outside the box than Jim Davis.

Misadventures in Advertising, Pt. 1: Idiom Idiocy

This ad appeared in the Nov. 11-17 edition of Wilmington, NC's Encore. It appears to be an advertisement for some kind of gift basket in the shape of Santa-esque trousers. Though, honestly, of greater concern is the gross misuse of the idiom "to fill one's shoes," which has been reinterpreted here as "Fill Santa's Pants!"

Yes, I get it. You have taken what were once Santa's pants (altered into shorts?) and filled them with "gourmet" gifts (though, if I may, I'm fairly certain that to qualify as "gourmet" the items in question are precluded from delivery in pants), and the sales pitch is presented to the seller as a clever twist on a popular saying... almost. Might I make a few suggestions?

"Need to fill Santa's shoes? Try filling his pants!"

"Gift baskets as big as Santa's waistline!"

"Is that a bottle of wine...?"

Okay, so maybe those aren't much better, but let's face it: you're selling coffee beans out of Santa's crotch. Options are limited. Temptations Everyday Gourmet cautioned per Sec. B-1 for writing a slogan and not checking it twice.

Lost in Space

It's wintertime, which means coughing, sneezing, wheezing, and other assorted unpleasant things will be happening to your face and its associated parts. The nose bone is connected to the lung bone, after all.

To relieve certain mucus-coated ailments you might reach for a box Mucinex, as Mint recently did. The pictures below are what she found (or, rather, didn't):

If you want to put some positive spin on these images, you could say that the clean and clear half of the box serves as a symbol of what your insides will look and feel like after taking Mucinex, but I suspect that even an optimist would concede this box is simply half-empty.

I have two points to raise regarding this brand of puffed-up phamesutical presentation. The first is a suggestion for the folks at Mucinex as to what they might put in the more vacant half of their pacakaging: this yellow card! My second point, and a more serious one, is that the first company to safely pacakage its cure for what ails me in a simple cardboard box (yes, that means no bottle) with no excess space wins my buisness forever.

Mucinex cautioned per Section B-1 for a questionable use of resources.