Red Friday

I wasn't sure exactly when the first red card would get pulled out, but here it is.

Shoppers stampeded to death 31-year-old Wal-Mart employee Jdimytai Damour in the early hours of a post-Thanksgiving Day sale in Long Island, NY. The 2,000-person mob tore the store's front doors from their hinges and pushed one another to get inside, encouraged by a sign that had stated "Blitz line starts here".

Four other people, including a pregnant woman, were taken to the hospital.

But, as NewsDay reports, the story gets even more revolting:

"Though rumors circulated among the shoppers that someone had been badly injured, people ignored the Wal-Mart workers' requests that they stop shopping, move to the front of the store and exit."

Yesterday, speaking on the economy, Barack Obama asked Americans to "make good choices" shopping this holiday season. Yet there was little restraint, fiscal or physical, in Nassau County this morning.

Showing these shoppers and the advertisers that incite them a red card for their actions is a pathetic gesture, I admit. As information comes forward, as I'm sure it will, regarding a memorial fund for Mr. Damour, I'll post it here.

Morning Yellow | 11.26

Welcome to a special Thanksgiving edition of Morning Yellow. Your esteemed guests are:

- The White House, which recently sent out invitations to its annual Hanukkah party... featuring the image of a Christmas tree. Skeptical? Look closer.

As the NY Post reports, "No, it is not a Hanukkah bush. A close look at the wagon reveals the message "White House Christmas Tree 2008."

I know. It's shocking to see such obvious oversight coming from our halls of power. Fortunately, it's only for another three months. Cautioned per Art. BI-7 for letting the interns make the cards.

- HassleMe.co.uk offers its users an invaluable service: automated personalized hassling. Because nothing motivates like a note you wrote a few days ago and had emailed to yourself at pre-set intervals by a website that displays your personal reminder to the world. That's right, your personalized self-hassling message can be set to display to anyone who cares to read it. Like this one, noticed by Mint:

Mint observes: "I don't care if you've been married for thirty years, if you need an e-mail service to remind you to kiss your wife roughly every five days I think you need help beyond what the HassleMe service is set up to provide." Cautioned per Art. B1-1 for a questionable lack of smooches.

Sore Losers

A Pennsylvania lawyer and a New Jersey lawyer are taking their "persistent concerns" about Barack Obama's citizenship to the Supreme Court. I'm showing them a yellow card for their efforts.

Ignoring 65 million votes in favor of the President Elect, these two apparently believe they have evidence that a whole alphabet soup of news networks and an army of journalists couldn't dig up over the last few years. I mean, really, if there had been even the faintest glimmer of light at the end of this unconstitutional tunnel, don't you think Fox News would have shown it to us, oh, about 22 days ago?

Philip Berg and Leo Donofrio cautioned per Art. BI-1 to 4, and 6.

How Big is Big? Well...

A startling picture of the bailout package from The Big Picture:

Jim Bianco of Bianco Research crunched the inflation adjusted numbers. The bailout has cost more than all of these big budget government expenditures – combined.

• Marshall Plan: $12.7 billion; adjusted for inflation: $115.3 billion
• Louisiana Purchase: $15m; adjusted for inflation: $217 billion
• Race to the Moon: $36.4 billion; adjusted for inflation: $237 billion
• S&L Crisis: $153 billion; adjusted for inflation: $256 billion
• Korean War: $54 billion; adjusted for inflation: $454 billion
• The New Deal: $32 billion; adjusted for inflation: $500 billion
• Invasion of Iraq: $551 billion; adjusted for inflation: $597 billion
• Vietnam War: $111 billion; adjusted for inflation: $698 billion
• NASA: $416.7 billion; adjusted for inflation: $851.2 billion

TOTAL: $3.92 trillion

What's strikes me most about that list (aside from NASA and the Race to the Moon listed separately... hmm...) is that there's no distinction between success or failure among the items listed. Size matters, but we've got to be more than money. None of the great successes on that list were accomplished by money alone. So, no card yet for the bailout, but we'll see how this goes...

Afternoon Yellow | 11.25 - Shrimp on a Treadmill

Okay, people. Get over here. Everyone involved with the "Shrimp on a Treadmill" thing is getting a card for time wasting.

David Scholnick, a biologist from Pacific University, invented the shrimp treadmill to test activity levels of shrimp. Treadmills and shrimp, of course, are both found at the bottom of our oceans.

But his research was a little... how do you say... dull. Thankfully, the legions of YouTube are always ready to help. Now, among many outstanding choices, you've got the always-a-classic Benny Hill theme song:

No shortage of Ok Go shrimp jokes:



And let's not forget the William Tell Overture:



Alright, remix, bring us home:

Morning Yellow | 11.25 - Tuna, Pilates, and the BCS

Called forth from the far reaches of the internet to behold yellow:

- The International Commission for the Conservation of Atlantic Tunas (ICCAT) gave in to pressure from the European Union and took its own scientists' recommendation for a cap on tuna fishing and just for good measure raised it by 46%. Cautioned per Sec. BI-1 for a curious decision.

- The Santa Monica Police Department has started handing out tickets to people gathering to exercise along a grassy stretch of its Fourth Street median. While I understand asking a pack of gym-less kickboxers to move along, let the people do their sit-ups. Cautioned per Sec. BI-1 for hindering the successful ripping of abs.

Are you ready for some football?

And, finally, Jason Whitlock of The Kansas City Star had to go and be that guy.

Last week on 60 Minutes, Barack Obama doubled down on his insistence that college football's much-maligned Bowl Championship Series should be scrapped in favor of a playoff. This, of course, won him favor among fans of college football everywhere. But not with Whitlock, who writes: "Division I-A college football has the greatest regular season in all team sports, and a playoff system would ruin that distinction." Wrong.

Does the Final Four ruin college basketball? Does the Super Bowl ruin the NFL? Does the World Series or the World Cup leave fans of baseball and soccer scratching their heads during their regular seasons? Of course not. Give my congrats to the NCAA for putting on a gangbusters 12-week show, but let's talk about the encore.

Whitlock, however, notes that his real problem with all this is, "I expect Obama to take positions more substantive than 'Joe the Sports Talk Host.'"

Well, there's precedent for Presidential influence over college football.

Back at the turn of the 20th Century, President Teddy Roosevelt, a big fan of the college game, took Harvard, Yale, and Princeton aside for a little conversation about a problem he had noticed on the field, namely that due to a lack of protective gear some of the players were, well, you know, dying. His message: fix the game, or forsake it.

That was then, this is now: we have a single institution running a $100 million winter raffle with ESPN paying $495 million for the rights to the whole mess. You could have bailed out Lehmen Brothers for that kind of cash. And the pocketbook belongs to the same people who make the rules, set up the system, schedule the games, and tell the players when and where they can be professionals--the NCAA. That's called a monopoly. TR would have been concerned about it, too.

The most galling part is that the coaches and the universities who play get paid; the players, of course, don't get a paycheck. The networks and the sponsors love this arrangement; the fans loathe it. But, finally, we now have someone with a voice strong enough to rise above the fray. If he speaks for the players and the fans, let him speak.

Jason Whitlock cautioned per Sec. BI-1 and 2 for unsporting behavior and excessive dissent; cartoon courtesy of Nick Andrson at Chron.com.

23/6: Guess the Stache

I'm carding 23/6 for failure to respect personal space. Though, while the following video does include some very, very (very) extreme closeups, I'll be honest: pulling the yellow card is really just an excuse for me to share it with you. Because I don't (yet) have a card for "hilarious".

Get ready for Guess the Stache: Democrat or Pornstar!

Wanted: Dead or Alive

In a recent talk at the New York Public Library, acclaimed writer Joan Didion spoke critically of what America had become in the Obama era:

"An irony-free zone" ... where "naïveté, translated into 'hope,' was now in" and where "innocence, even when it looked like ignorance, was now prized."

So reports Adam Newman in his excellent and appropriately titled article, "Irony Is Dead. Again. Yeah, Right."

Didion, of course, is not the first to declare irony a relic of the past. Rumors of its death were greatly exaggerated in the wake of September 11, belied in spectacular five hundred-point font by a President who failed to see the larger sweep of history. Now, Didion would have us believe that Obama's accomplishment of inspiration is the mortal wound to ironic sensibility that Al Qaeda's accomplishment of a single day of terror was not.

President George W. Bush speaking aboard the U.S.S. Irony

There's some truth to say that in the fall of the Trade Center towers there was little solace found in the distance and perspective from which irony revels. How could there have been? That day was worse, after all, than even Pearl Harbor, our only available comparison. America was in uncharted territory. It's naturally hard to find perspective from the extreme highs or lows of history.

So, is Didion simply astute in her observation that Obama has brought America to new heights and thus, naturally, we will struggle to find perspective? Could she, perhaps, be making an attempt at irony?

Didion did, after all, write in "The White Album" that "a place belongs forever to whoever claims it hardest, remembers it most obsessively, wrenches it from itself, shapes it, renders it, loves it so radically that he remakes it in his image." Surely she would grant Obama at least the opportunity to pursue his politics of hope, to shape and render America in his image. It would be up to history to prove him successful.

Or, is Didion, like our still-President, ignoring the larger sweep of history that will ultimately hollow out her words?

Just to be safe, I'm going to show Didion a yellow card for her questionable rush to judgment. If irony survives this onslaught of "Yes, we can!", she'll have earned it. If irony is truly gone for good, well, then I guess that makes this card more than a little bit ironic.

Afternoon Yellow | 11.21

Why do I card thee, Sarah Palin? Let me count the ways:

One - You are standing what appears to be no more than 15 feet away from a turkey, which is upside down in a stainless steel cone, about to be slaughtered.

Two - I hope the guy in the background is getting paid by the turkey and not by the hour, because he's taking an awful lot of time to gawk at the camera...

Three - OH MY GOD HE JUST GOT BORED!!! AND KILLED THE TURKEY!!!

Four - Is she still answering the first question? My God, does this woman know how to use punctuation?

Five - OH MY GOD HE'S GOING TO KILL ANOTHER TURKEY!!!

I can't watch this anymore...

Morning Yellow | 11.21

After nothing more than a quick stroll through the morning news, these folks have been shown yellow:

- 'A volunteer staff member' for the Obama campaign who is selling on eBay a 'rare Sen. Obama authored speech' in a binder with the President Elect's fingerprints. Cautioned per Sec. B, Ar. I-1 for unsporting and exceedingly questionable behavior.

- These hopefully anonymous Minnesota voters. Look at your ballots, people! Were you trying to wreck havoc on our democratic process?!? Cautioned per Sec. B, Ar. I-7 for negligence.

Vote early... vote lizard people?

- Also in politics: the State of Missouri. The bellwether officially rang hollow this year, picking Sen. John McCain (R-AZ) for the Oval Office after an extended vote-count. The Show-Me State had picked correctly in every election since 1956. Cautioned per Sec. B, Ar. I-1 for hindering progress towards the successful resolution of an event.

Chinese Democracy: 17 Years, 46 Seconds in the Making

It took Axl Rose an incredible 17 years and $13 million to bring Chinese Democracy into this world. For those of you thinking this is an obvious card for time wasting, it is, but not for the nearly two decade wait, rather for making us wait an extra 46 seconds to get the party started after pressing play. I don't mind a crescendo, Mr. Rose, but you've made your point.

Reviews have been mixed. The NY Times calls it "lavish, obsessive, technologically advanced and, all too clearly, the end of an era." Rolling Stone went with "audacious, unhinged and uncompromising." Neither felt the need to use a serial comma.

Take a listen, courtesy of Imeem:

Bad Apple: The Charred Remains of FireWire

I first read about this story almost a month ago in David Pogue's tech column for the NY Times. Thinking I was reading a MacBook review, the revelation blindsided me. I was outraged! My sentiments were shared by at least one Mac user, noted by Machinist in Death to FireWire 400:

"To me, it seems like Apple design guys (brilliant though they often are) ... forget that real people, with real budgets, like to buy and use their products."

My anger stemmed from the ease with which Apple giveth, whipith up fever-pitch adulation, and then taketh it all away. FireWire is way of life in the professional world of media production, to say nothing of its powers in the consumer arena. To make matters worse, at the time, Pogue had no comment about any replacement for the Emmy Award-winning technology. Rumors of SuperSpeed USB ease my pain slightly, but still...

What we have here is a popular, big name industry player reaching the end its career. Nevertheless, Apple has taken it down in the midst of a successful run. I have no choice in this matter, Steve Jobs. Just be thankful you're not seeing red.

For those of you who aren't yet finished tearing up, I'll leave you with a look back at life unplugged too soon:

Setting Some Rules

It only seems appropriate that we set some rules, and who better to guide us in this endeavor than the celebrated arbiters of yellow cards and red cards around the world: Fédération Internationale de Football Association.

So, with a little inspiration from The FIFA Laws of the Game, I have begun publishing the guiding principles by which Yellow Card, Red Card will operate. Admittedly imperfect at present, these rules will grow and be refined over time. I will of course be responsible for refining them, as per a section and article which I have not yet written. If you don't like that, fine. But you'll want to be careful of Sec. B, Article I-2.

Laws for a Better World: Sections A to C

Section A - Disciplinary Sanctions

I. The yellow card is used to communicate that an individual or entity has been cautioned for an offense.

II. The red card is used to communicate that an individual or entity has been asked to cease and desist for an offense.

III. Fines may be leveled against an individual or entity asked to cease and desist. Fines are leveled at the discretion of a YCRC-sanctioned referee.

Section B - Cautionary Offenses

I. An individual or entity is cautioned and shown the yellow card upon committing any of the following seven offenses:

1. behavior of an unsporting or exceedingly questionable nature, or which deliberately hinders progress towards the successful resolution of an event
2. excessive dissent by word or action
3. persistent infringement of the Laws for a Better World
4. time wasting
5. failure to respect personal space
6. disrespect
7. gross negligence

Section C - 'Cease and Desist' Offenses

I. An individual or entity is asked to cease and desist upon committing any of the following seven offenses:

1. seriously foul activity
2. violent conduct
3. spitting at any other person
4. inappropriate use of hands
5. denying the imminently successful resolution of an event
6. using offensive, insulting or abusive language and/or gestures
7. receiving a second caution in any seven-day period commencing at the moment of the first caution

The First Infraction

The first ever yellow card I've shown to myself for negligence and time wasting.

While registering this blog, I neglected to note that my friend Aaron was still logged into his Google Account, thereby registering the blog is his name, creating needless aggravation and costing myself several minutes of productivity.

It's a harsh judgment, sure. But that's why I'm here. We need to think more and be stupid less. We need more decency and less incivility. Absurdity is usually fine. And if I need to make an example of myself to be an example for others, so be it. The bottom line:

Think first. Or get carded.

Together we can make the world a less stupid place.