Dear Guillermo: If you need help with that fine, I'd be happy to help out.

Major League Soccer has suspended and fined Guillermo Barros Schelotto for an elbow throw at Michael Umana of Chivas USA in a game last weekend. They claim it would have been not only a bookable offense but a red card, at that.

Given that assessment, the suspension seems merited--get a red card, miss a game. Fine.

But the fine... not fine: $250.

In the MLS, where the league owns players' contracts, it's understood (if not disclosed) that every salary is not a blockbuster. But Schelotto was compensated to the tune of $1 million in 2007 and, at the very least, cost his team, the Columbus Crew, around $150,000 against their salary cap last season.

So, I'll rephrase the question:

$250?!?

I pay that in parking tickets every other month, and I've certainly never won an MLS scoring title or championship, let alone attained legendary status for anything in Argentina.

If you want Americans to take soccer seriously in America, maybe the MLS needs to start taking soccer seriously itself.

U.S. Gov: Always Have a Backup Plan for Your Backup Plan

We get it, Secretary LaHood. You're big on safety.

Of course, you also want to make sure the American automakers pay back all that bailout money, so you're willing to help them bury Toyota under a pile of litigation so high no amount of unintended acceleration could plow out from underneath it. (It's what the free market wants.)

But let's get back to that safety thing--you're so freaking gangbusters for safety that you now want to legislate a "brake override system" into every car on the road:

“We’re looking at it. We think it is a good safety device and we’re trying to figure out if we should be recommending it," LaHood told the Senate.

The question isn't if you should be recommending brake override systems. Of course you should be recommending them. You should also be suggesting them, alluding to them, hinting at them, maybe even leaving little notes in the pockets of Detroit CEOs with hearts drawn on pictures of them.

However, I have two problems with suggesting legislation here:

1. Toyota--and other car companies--should already want to put these devices into their cars. On their own. (Indeed, many cars already come with them.) It shouldn't even be a cost consideration. It should be a performance consideration. "Is my car accidentally killing its drivers? No, but it could. Let's make sure that it doesn't."

2. I'm not sure the government needs to insist on a Plan B here. I think its Plan A was pretty solid: Don't make cars that kill our drivers. I don't think Plan B really adds that much: Don't make cars that kill our drivers. Seriously.

"Um.. why the hell am I here?"

The government should stick to Plan A's, and we all--individuals and companies alike--need to work towards Plan A. If I may take the slippery slope for a second, if the government starts getting bogged down in backup plans, then where does it stop? Backup plans to the backup plans? Plan C's for the Plan B's? Plan D's for the Plan C's? And then who's watching the Watchmen, people?!

Ray LaHood cautioned per Sec. B, Art. 1-1 for questionable actions. I was going to card him for time wasting, but let's be honest--the Senate isn't getting much else done these days.

Floating Words of Pain

Dear OrthopedicSpecialistsofNewYork.com,

Your website has been infected by hundreds or perhaps thousands of invisible, floating words of pain. Specifically, maladies like "hypermobility syndrome" and "back pain," which are just a few of the search terms that might bring you to the webpage, only... those words don't appear listed anywhere on your page. Or, do they?

YCRC in no way wishes to convey that Dr. Greisberg, Dr. Gundel, and Dr. Gupta in any way condone or are responsible for this half-baked meta-tagging scheme.

Oh, the words are listed. They're just hidden. All searchable, typed in a font color the same color as the page. So, even if you don't see listed the specific injury you're suffering you might just pick one of the specialists at OrthopedicSpecialistsofNewYork.com to treat it.

By the way, OrthopedicSpecialistsofNewYork.com, there are better ways to index search terms. You might want to look into one. Or perhaps just ask you doctors to list more of their own specialties, instead of hiding the words "automobile accident" somewhere on the page.

Sincerely,

YCRC

OrthopedicSpecialistsofNewYork.com cautioned for a questionable programming tactic.